Aug 23rd, 2016
Partly due to staying up waaaay past my bed time, and not being able to sleep easily, (see below) I lay in bed in a state of extreme exhaustion.
And could smell the oncoming Autumnal air. What a sense! It always wakes me up from the drifty heat dream that is Summer.
Perhaps a combination of my brain being all full and prepared to dream, but not being able to sleep, mixed with the cold air of the coming season worked together to put me into an oddly meditative state where near visions were easily accessed, right near the top where they rarely come. -The sort of thing, where when you're in it, you think, "Ah! So THIS is reality. How sublime!" -while also knowing it will be a brief window of sense into the world which will close again after rest, returning me to the normal busy illusion I walk around in every day with the rest of the world.
I found my mind walking the halls again of my old Junior Highschool, probably because of a piece of Jenny scripting I'm fiddling with just on the conceptual level at the moment.
For the first time ever, I found myself looking at those old memories from outside my own head, while at the same time remembering the visceral senses within myself. -What it felt like to sit in mister Bugarski's music class, all the students set in orchestra pit seating, and the memory of what it was like to cluster out the door and walk between classes. -The smell and sound of the newly swept hallways and the slightly sickening worry of, "Will I make friends on my first day?" The metallic scuff sound of the chairs and desks and the slightly waxy feel of those old black surfaced lab benches in the science class downstairs. -The threadbare blue gym bag I'd gotten at a Blue Jays game the previous year in which I carried my books on the way home, hands on cold metal handle bars on my bike, with the few leaves crunching on the sidewalks.
All these are common enough sorts of memories for most of us, but with an extra element which I'm having a hard time recalling now...
The various phases of being human, of girls and boys growing up, trying to figure out what the world is and how they fit into it, the hormones making us all feel crazy, wanting and dreaming things we are programmed on a genetic level to seek and deal with, while our personalities try to find a way through to create expression.
The human monkey is on a fixed trajectory, with fixed features, born and raised through childhood, into the reproductive and working age, then hitting a phase much later where we begin to think, "Wait? What was all of that now?" -Our little souls inhabit our monkeys for a while, we ride along through these phases, looking out.
There was more, which unless you have also missed a lot of sleep and are lying there with the cool night air drifting through your curtains, I cannot capture or explain. But it left me realizing, yet again, that with a character like Jenny... it's like she's fallen off the ride. How does she cope? Seeing the monkey trajectory through life, and not being able to forget enough to click into the world clattering around her? Will she be able to make friends, or will she alienate everybody? Will they view her from a distance and try to ignore her distressing qualities and comments?
But I think perhaps there is a very good reason we forget.
Wolfville, Nova Scotia,
August 23rd, 2016